US PRESIDENT Brack Oblama has been attacked with cliches and mobbed by desperate politicians during a whirlwind visit to Australia.
The visit was concentrated on Canberra and Darwin, allowing Mr Oblama to sample the worst climate and weather the country had to offer over a 48-hour period.
He was presented with Tim Tams, kangaroos, koalas, DVDs and three books purchased at discount online.
The President welcomed the highly cliched gifts and said they would get pride of place "in the White House basement with all the other junk people give me when I rock up".
He used his visit to Darwin to be briefed on crocodile attacks and UFO sightings, and announce that he would be sending US troops to the city to occupy the local hotels and mingle with local wildlife, mostly women.
Mr Oblama denied stationing troops in the remote top end of Australia had anything to do with keeping Asia, particularly China, on its toes.
"I support a strong China on the basis that they will soon have more money than anyone else and I don't want to be on their bad side if I need a loan," he said.
"We have nothing to fear from China except perhaps an army of a billion people and cheap toys that are dangerous to toddlers."
A gushing Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said she had nothing useful to say and she was happy just to hang off Mr Oblama's arm and flutter her eyelids.
"For me this visit is all about hanging out with the President and hoping it will make me look statesmanlike and lift my popularity," she said.
"He can send troops, tanks, bombs, missiles - whatever the heck he wants. He had me at hello. It's all the way with OBA."
Greens leader Bob Frown said he didn't like the idea of American troops but he admitted he asked Mr Oblama for an autograph. "You need to understand it wasn't for me but for a friend," he said sheepishly.
Mr Oblama used a formal dinner to display his competence using local lingo such as "chinwag", "ear-bash" and "cheese".
Opposition Leader Tony Abshot told the dinner that he once wagged school to travel to the moon. He had also visited the US and mostly talked to communists.
The Northern Territory Government denied it had removed homeless people from the street so they wouldn't look untidy for the President's visit.
"That is a scurrilous suggestion," a government spokesman said. "We mostly just painted over them or planted trees in front of them."
Thirsty Cow is fiction. It is based broadly and badly on the Robert Menzies quote: "We all want to milk the national cow but none of us want to feed it."
Update your news preferences and get the latest news delivered to your inbox.