Topics:  humour, humour column, opinion, thirsty cow

Gizzard war on smugglers

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

THE Federal Government has gifted Indonesia three fast boats in a gesture to help our northern neighbours combat budgie smugglers.

Prime Minister Julia Gizzard said budgie smugglers were corrupting Australia's way of life and killing the tourism industry.

"We have been fairly successful in keeping budgie smugglers off our mainstream beaches through peer pressure and warning signs," she said.

"But we now have a constant stream of men in budgie smugglers arriving at remote beaches and bypassing normal dress codes."

Ms Gizzard said budgie smugglers allowed people the freedom to run really quickly and she was hoping the new high-speed intercept vessels given to Indonesia would make them easier to catch.

The government believes that criminals in south-east Asia are taking large sums from people in tight swimwear who are promised open-minded beaches, sun screen and free promotional Gatorade if they sneak into Australia.

The budgie smuggler issue has dominated political debate this year.

The Prime Minister tried to resolve the problem by sending people in budgie smugglers from Australia to Malaysia in exchange for people with better bodies or "no worse than semi-obese".

The deal came unstuck when the High Court ruled that Ms Gizzard did not have the actual authority to do this.

Ms Gizzard later admitted she had forgotten to ask if she was allowed to send people to Malaysia and the idea had come to her while watching the third season of Baywatch on DVD.

Opposition Leader Tony Abshot said the new budgie smuggler policy was just a "picture opportunity for the Prime Minister with Warwick Capper".

Mr Abshot, who does most of his public engagements in budgie smugglers or hard hats, said he supported the rights of budgie smuggler wearers everywhere and called for Nauru to be declared an international sanctuary for tight swimwear.

"Don't get me wrong, boardshorts also have a place in a civilised society but they can easily become profoundly invaded by seaweed and beach sand and future generations will laugh when they see them in old pictures," he said.

The controversy came after Liberal-National MP Peter Slapper left the party to become Speaker of the Federal Parliament, leaving Mr Abshot with fewer seats in the house.

Mr Abshot said this was part of a cynical exercise by Ms Gizzard to run the country and deflect attention from her failed swimwear policies.

Mr Slapper said he was keen to be Speaker so he could have a bigger office and throw people he didn't like out of Parliament.

"I am profoundly disliked by both sides of politics, making me perfectly qualified to sit out the front in a special chair," he said.

 

Thirsty Cow is fiction. None of the characters depicted are actual people.



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