Lifestyle

Queensland savages MPs

Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.
Thirsty Cow is purely fiction. Any similarities with actual events or something you dreamt once is purely coincidence. Opinions expressed in this column are not necessarily held by anybody.

VOTERS in Queensland have savaged their incumbent Labor Government, reducing it to minor party status and filling the Parliament with hundreds of unknown Liberal debutants.

Chief Debutant is new LNP Premier Campbell "Can Doodiliy Do" Newmanic who led the party without a seat in the actual Parliament and ended up running the state. Other candidates were recruited from supermarket checkouts, deli counters and street corners.

Mr Newmanic said he fully intended to let the magnitude of his win go to his head. "Frankly I'll be full of myself for quite a while," he admitted. "I'll do my best not to look smug but I'm sure people will see through that."

The new government began its term by sacking most of the public service and replacing them with party operatives, friends, relatives and circus performers.

The partner of the former premier, who runs one of the state departments, survived the purge but was ordered to completely dismantle his department. "I figure he might as well do that before we move him on," Mr Newmanic said. "This will keep me fairly amused."

Former party leader Lawrence Cyborg has been given the disastrous Health portfolio, ensuring there is no chance of the former leader resurrecting his career.

Parliamentary insiders are struggling to break in so many new members. "For some it is their first visit to the big city and a few are fairly excited about seeing the ocean," one official offered.

"Some of them are pretty confused because they never actually expected to win. One of them has put on a suit for the first time since 1974 and, sadly, he has filled out a bit since then. I fear the whole thing will just explode in a mess of rayon and buttons."

Labor was decimated at the poll after it ran on a platform of "We are going to get walloped but please somebody vote for us so we don't get walloped quite so bad." This was generally considered an inadequate platform on which to base the state's future.

Labor also attacked Mr Newmanic's credibility claiming he had people supporting him who were actually donating to his campaign. He was cleared of any wrongdoing after investigators decided this was normal.

He was also cleared of overzealous public displays of affection with his wife after this was also found to be fairly normal, although a little creepy.

The Labor six-pack that remains in Parliament will be led by Anastasia Palzerkerizkeratzic who vowed to be a strong Labor voice by "yelling really loud" across the chamber.

The new Bob Hatter Party also won a couple of seats but the party was last seen wandering aimlessly through the streets shooting bats and selling T-shirts.

Thirsty Cow is fiction. It has no relationship with real life.

Topics:  opinion, political satire, thirsty cow


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