The Bachelor recap: Going Dutch, moulding hands and drama
A CONTESTANT on The Bachelor has shocked everyone in a startling meltdown that resulted in her declaring she was "better" than Matty J before eliminating herself from the competition.
But that's not where the mess ended - with the blow-up sending this once prestigious competition into total chaos.
Clearly it was an exhilarating night.
"I reckon something crazy will happen this week," Leah, slumped over the arm of the purple velvet sofa, pipes up at the very beginning of Wednesday night's episode. You couldn't be more right, you opinionated little dame, Leah.
And just like that, Osher pops up from behind a scatter cushion holding an envelope and a bottle of whisky to reveal who's scored the next single date.
The clue involves a whole lot of Dutch and Holland references but Florence, the only contestant from Holland, plays gracious and insists it totally couldn't be her.
The other girls are super thrilled and can barely contain their joy for her.
Jen is perturbed and isn't going to tolerate Florence stealing her man or our wildlife.
"Am I looking forward to her coming back and telling me how Dutch his outfit was or how Dutch the koalas were? 'That's so Dutch!' No. No I'm not looking forward to it," she spits.
For Florence's date, Matty makes her catch the train out to Olympic Park - a location no one has enjoyed going to since the Olympics actually happened.
And to make matters worse, the date does not involve them recreating Nikki Webster's wire-suspension entrance at the Opening Ceremony.
Matty explains they'll be "repelling face-first down the side of the building".
At first I think it's just boring and oddly industrial until I realise something much better is about to happen.
They're actually recreating that scene from The First Wives Club where Bette, Diane and Goldie sneak into Morty's house to find dirt on him only to be busted in the act before sneaking out a window and riding a window washer's scaffolding down to the ground.
Afterwards, they go to a more intimate spot where they make plaster moulds of their hands and I'm pretty sure I have the same one in silicone.
Florence gets an eyebrow cramp from arching it excessively and then they pash and he gives her a rose. Not to steal Jen's catchphrase but it's SO DUTCH.
The following day, Osher surprises the girls with some news: there won't be a group date. But there will be a two-on-one date - and one girl won't be coming back.
Upon her name being read out, Jen immediately starts to ugly cry.
It's important to note, the pairing of Jen and Liz is a carefully planned delight courtesy of producers. If you recall, Jen and Liz have hated each other ever since Liz called Jen's dress "putrid" in episode one.
Needless to say, the car ride from the mansion to the date is uncomfortable.
For the date, they meet at a really old house and sit on tiny chairs in front of a tiny table and so far there isn't really a point to this other than to eliminate someone.
Then we play that game you'd play in high school with your group of toxic friends where you get drunk at someone's house and sit in a circle and go around saying what each other's worst qualities are. It's just a really fun and destructive exercise.
"What's the worst thing about Jen?" Matty probes Liz.
Liz says Jen's too quick to judge. Jen says Liz is "abrasive" - which is a terrifically passive aggressive word and one I use a lot to describe staff at David Jones Bondi Junction.
They're both offended, but honestly these criticisms aren't as brutal as the time my friend told me I should stop straightening my fringe.
Liz has went into this date kind of shaky, and she completely falls flat during her private time with Matty.
We all know Matty wants a family, and when he asks her about future kids, she stammers.
She clearly doesn't want a family and she knows it's a deal-breaker, but she can't bring herself to lie, so she just spews a bunch of words and metaphors and similes out that don't really make sense.
"Relationships ... It's like a bank account: You've got to keep putting money in it, because if you just keep taking out then one day it's just going to be at zero," she says, and I really don't appreciate her making such digs about my savings account.
Matty sees this as the perfect chance to spike her from the series.
"One of the most important things is having that spark with someone," he begins before pursing his lips and squinting at her. "I'm not sure we have that spark."
And with that, Liz is promptly shoved into a far less glamorous car than the limo she arrived in and Jen runs behind it cheering as it pulls out of the driveway.
Later that night, at the cocktail part, Sian is riled and appears rather drunk. She's annoyed Matty hasn't spent any time with her and it's clear she's looking for some trouble.
Meanwhile, Elora sits back with some kind of wire wrapped around her head and that bitch totally stole my style.
Throughout the night, as Matty pulls some girls away and others approach him, Sian gets perturbed he hasn't chased her.
"Did he come and talk to me? No. Do I think I'm going home? Yeah. Do I give a shit? No I don't. I'm just being honest. I don't really care," she informs us. When a contestant decides it's time to "just be honest", it's a sign things are about to get a little messy.
She begins to break down and she walks away. The girls run out to the patio to watch the meltdown unfold.
"No please don't! Please don't," Sian begs the cameraman, putting her palm in front of the lens before fleeing again.
We manage to relocate her. This time, she's in the bathroom, crying to one of the other girls. We lurk outside the door and hear it all. While we can't see her, in my mind she's shoving her toiletries into a cosmetics bag - ready to make a swift escape.
"I'm leaving. I don't like him! I'm better than him. I'm better than this. I don't like him!" she sobs.
As Sian spirals deeper, Jen decides it would be a fabulous time to bring Matty into the mix.
In the backyard, Sian comes face-to-face with him. And she reveals she'd like to take herself out of the competition.
"I'd prefer to exit. It's got absolutely nothing to do with you. It's just me and my energy. And just everything today it's like, 'Get the f*ck out'."
Matty says he understands. He's secretly relieved Sian has weeded herself out.
But just as this little hiccup seems to be resolved, Sian - who just eliminated herself - takes a confusing turn.
"You know what? I think I'm gonna stay. I wanna stay. 100 per cent," she decides.
And with that, she stays.
Sian can't seem to see the craziness of her hour-long attention-seeking antics and, moving into the rose ceremony, is totally confident she'll get through. But this is a prestigious competition and Matty isn't sure he wants Sian's behaviour sullying the good name of the series.
The ceremony begins and Matty begins handing out the roses. But as he looks out at the huddled group of shiny faced girls, he stops. His head drops.
Sian looks ... troubled.
Matty places the rose down. And the ceremony is stopped.
The girls look shocked. The screen cuts to black.
The words "To be continued" appear.
In an upsetting cliffhanger, we have to wait until tomorrow to see how this rose ceremony ends and assess the aftermath of Sian's destructive meltdown.
Now this is so not Dutch.
For more observations on plaster mould hands and how to get the look for less, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir.