Glass thrown in wild MAFS fight
A sorta-affair is outed and backfires before yet another mild-glassing occurs on Wednesday's Married At First Sight in drunken scenes that, of course, don't hold a candle to the sheer, sequined thong-back unitard that truly steals the show.
"The experiment's most salacious secret is finally exposed," the voiceover teases in the opening scenes.
"The one about how this show is a complete sham?" we reply.
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It's time for another dinner party and Coco's excited because she'll finally get to see Cam again. Even if his mopey wife Samantha is slumped by his side, Coco will take any moments she can to just be in her crush's line of sight.
She'll need an outfit to really capture his attention. And nothing is more versatile than a sheer, sequined thong-back unitard.
"I'm excited for him to see me in my outfit. It is a skin tight, see-through, cheeks poppin', titties droppin', head-to-toe black rhinestone bodysuit," Coco beams.
Meanwhile, Bryce pledges to confront Samuel tonight over the way he has treated his wife Coco and plans to beat the drum about women's rights.
Sit down, Bryce. You've told your wife to her face you're not attracted to her and complained about her eye colour.
The last thing we wanna watch is bozos fighting just to get attention. Besides, we have more important things to do. Like admiring all the close-ups the cameramen are taking of Coco's butt.
Coco stuns everyone with her razzle dazzle unitard.
"That is … quite something. Wow," Mel Schilling gasps as she and the other experts watch the CCTV footage from their lair.
It's the most accurate thing any expert has ever said on this show.
Someone who doesn't appreciate thong-back fashion is Samantha.
"Coco's outfit is pretty out there. I don't know about that G-string leotard sequined thing. I wouldn't even wear those as swimmers to be honest," she snips.
Well, good news, Samantha. Coco's not wearing the G-string leotard for you. It's for your husband xx.
Sam and Bryce keep glaring at each other from across the room and a fight is gonna break out at any second. But we honestly don't care about Sam vs. Bryce. We're only here to bust all the other husbands catching sneaky glances of Coco's butt.
Within seconds, Sam's patience wears as thin as Coco's G-string. He launches a missile from across the room.
"So Bryce. I've heard you've got a problem! Address it," he snaps.
The fight is just a back-and-forth of half-baked insults that loses steam quickly and ends with Sam calling Bryce ugly.
"Say something about his Clairol home kit dye job!" we yell, but the waiter comes and announces the arrival of dinner.
"I knew the fight was coming but I didn't think it'd happen when we were only a couple of drinks deep," Coco says.
"You guys have only been here for 20 minutes and you're already a couple of drinks deep?" we furrow our brows, but Coco is already twerking away into the dining room.
Meanwhile, The Sasshole is providing sass.
"Bryce has got underlying issues he needs to address," she sighs.
Keen observation, The Sasshole. Also, you too.
Sam keeps muttering away to anyone who'll listen.
"You don't think he's maybe … jealous of me?" he asks The Sasshole. "I just think he's a loser. He's got the personality of a doormat and is probably in the bottom three of the funniest (people) on the experiment."
Oh Sam. All 18 of you are in the bottom three.
While everyone's distracted by the pointless fight, Cam and Coco keep exchanging flirty glances across the table. Their attraction has become too much. They can't act on it. So the next best thing is talking about it with other drunk people.
Pretty soon, the entire table is chattering away about the sorta-affair and Coco decides there's only one thing left to do.
"What if I just talk to Samantha?" she ponders to herself. "To see if it's OK to give us her blessing."
Coco, we think it's a terrible idea. It will cause damage no one can come back from. An innocent woman will be humiliated. Lives and hearts will be destroyed.
You should totally do it.
And with that, she springs up and twerks around the dining table to inform Cam's wife Samantha that she'd like to steal her husband, please and thank you. All while wearing her sheer, sequined thong-back unitard.
Top tip: If you're gonna tell someone you're stealing their spouse, at least make yourself look dowdy. It's the least you can do.
"I just wanna say something to you because people around the table are talking about it," Coco begins. "And I want you to know what people are saying: That Cam and I appear, on the surface, to be good together. Nothing's happened between Cam and I. It's more just because we are very similar people. From the bottom of my heart, I'm sorry."
We await Samantha's response. She wants to throw a drink on Coco, but knows that'd just make her sheer thong-back unitard even more see-through and Cam would enjoy that. Instead, she throws the one thing no one is expecting: kindness.
"There's nothing there between Cam and I. And honestly, I'm giving you my blessing," she says before excusing herself to go to the bathroom.
She put on a brave face in the dining room but, behind-the-scenes in the dank back hallways of the warehouse, she's falling apart.
"This is humiliating. Absolutely humiliating," she sobs inside the bathroom. "The fact it has been going on behind my back. The fact he said stay and he's wasted a week of my time has made me angry. You know what? Good luck to them. Good riddance out of my life. I've been cheated on for five years with two children. I don't need that again."
Back around the table, Coco is as perky as her pilates-toned butt cheeks. But the man she just fought for is cold and distant.
"This has come left field to me. Obviously Coco and I get along. But I haven't had any say in this. At all," he grunts.
"I still have a partner so I still need to be respectful to her … I'm married at the moment. Nothing has happened between Coco and I and that's the way it's gonna stay."
The flirty glances they were exchanging just moments ago have turned to glares.
As Coco begins to regret everything, Bryce launches another confusing attack on Samuel.
"For someone who works on a radio station I thought you'd be a lot funnier," Sam spits back. " … And you're actually a douche bag. You've got the personality of a doormat. And that's an insult to doormats. I apologise to doormats."
After being lavished with Coco's quality one-liners and motivational catchphrases for two weeks now, these stale and lacklustre insults the boys are hurling at each other just really miss the mark.
Cam jumps up and starts holding Sam back. The other husbands surround Bryce and grab him by the underarms, attempting to pull him away.
"Guys stop! That's enough! Sam, stay on that side of the table!" Cam scolds.
The bad insults keep flowing thick and fast and the final straw comes when Sam insults Bryce's nose again.
Bryce breaks free, snatches a glass up off the dining table and throws it - the liquid splashing Sam, who raises his palms to shield his fresh Clairol treatment.
"You're an absolute embarrassment!" Bryce yells as the men finally regain control and pull him away.
Nothing sobers the mind like a horrific event and this mild glassing puts everything into perspective.
"I'm not in the experiment with Coco, it's not a thing to even consider," Cam declares as he dips his fingers into the puddles of water that remain on the table.
It's only now producers realise Samantha has been crying in the bathroom for the past 40 minutes and promptly wrestle her back into the dining room.
She takes off her ring and drops it on the table.
"I'll end it right now," she tells her husband.
"OK, end it. No worries," Cam huffs.
They're both daring each other to be the one who walks away.
And even if they do split, his lack of support for Coco tonight means she might also walk away.
"Is the juice worth the squeeze?" she wonders. "I think it's been pretty clear tonight that it's not."
We dunno, Coco. Things still look pretty juicy.
Originally published as Glass thrown in wild MAFS fight