‘Gutless cowards’: shock exit eviscerated
Battered by cheating rumours and an alleged sexual video scandal, a Married At First Sight couple has buggered off without warning, with the exit propelling the remaining contestants to rip them apart behind their backs while the show's VIP bride MAFS-splains the experiment, yet again.
Aleks and Ivan pull the pin and don't bother showing up to Sunday's commitment ceremony. They don't even say goodbye. We can only assume Aleks was taken to the airport but that elderly Serbian man with the small penis who drives the Ferrari. So much of this year's series hasn't been captured on film for some strange reason, so we're forced to speculate … which we would've done anyway.
The only footage we see is of Aleks packing up her ASOS wedding dress and repeating the word "blindsided" like it's 2018 and she's Tracey Jewel.
We hitch a ride with the elderly Serbian man and get him to drop us off at the commitment ceremony in his Ferrari. We bust in right as John Aiken is making an announcement.
"We had a remarkable dinner party this week," he beams.
"Yeah, if by 'remarkable' you mean 'a complete trainwreck'," we mutter while shooing Michael and Stacey off our couch.
"We've just been informed that Ivan and Aleks will not be attending tonight. They have decided to leave the experiment," John continues.
The remaining monkeys go berserk and can't believe the experts have allowed more people to escape from this circus. Of course, Stacey cuts right to the heart of it.
"They think they're better than us or something? Cowards," she spits.
"They probably do," we shrug.
"It's just gutless. Absolutely gutless," Josh sighs.
"That's just cowardly!" Mishel gasps.
Needless to say, Lizzie relishes the opportunity to remind everyone she's the show's VIP and proceeds to MAFS-splain the experiment yet again.
"It's not fair! It's not fair. I just think, they're not privileged. We're all here to open up our wounds," she says while grasping at her hair extensions to ensure the ear piece producers are using to feed her lines is covered. Seb doesn't know what's going on and we're confused as to why he's wearing a cleavage-revealing blouse.
It's more of the same tonight. Steve is still not sexually attracted to Mishel but they declare they love each other and Mishel seems to have come to terms with the fact that the only action she will ever receive from her husband is some light over-the-jean knee touching.
"I'm not one to gloat but we're doing really well and everyone else is just failing around us," Michael blabbers as he and Stacey make their way up to the couch. When Michael and Stacey are the best example of a healthy relationship, we know something has gone seriously wrong with this social experiment.
Everyone's already in a catty move after Ivan and Aleks ditched them like suckers, so they're not copping any of Jonethen's umming and ahhing when it comes to his decision with Connie.
Their relationship is still as compelling as Connie's marine biology assignments and she tried her hardest this week to become the cool girl she thinks Jonnie wants to be with.
But the tighter she clings, the more Jonnie pulls away.
"I miss him when he's gone, even if he's just going to the gym. And I can't sleep unless he's there," she giggles to the experts.
Well. This is awkward. The feeling isn't exactly mutual. Jonnie doesn't miss Connie when he's gone. He lies about going to the gym just to get away from her - often just driving his car around the corner and sitting stationary for 90 minutes so he can scroll through Instagram in peace. Jonnie hasn't been able to sleep at all, knowing that Connie is next to him, watching.
"I'm in a weird position. I think she's beautiful, funny intelligent. But I don't feel that romantic spark," he says before revealing his decision to leave. "And I'm just trying to think how long do I continue to try to force something. Especially now I know she has feelings. I don't wanna give her false hope."
Connie holds back tears as she reveals her decision to stay.
"It kinda gets a bit embarrassing after a while. Why am I still doing this?" she sobs.
"Weirdly, I was kinda hoping she'd write stay. Because I know we're going to her homestay and it'd be amazing if something sparks there," Jonnie beams.
We all squint at him and Schilling takes one for the team to ask, "ummmmm sry wot?"
Clearly there's a problem and the mixed signals have left Connie traumatised. Having to spend another week with a man who doesn't want to be here will take an emotional toll. If only there were psychologists present who specialise in these kinds of relationship dramas who could help Connie and Jonnie navigate the issue. Oh well!
The couple is kicked off the couch and the rest of the group steps in. They haven't been able to take out their rage on Aleks and Ivan, so they'll use Jonethen as their punching bag.
"Jonethen, that really wasn't cool," Mishel rasps.
"I don't feel the spark! What am I supposed to do! You're asking me to be f**king honest and I was being honest!" Jonethen yells as the group - which has become more of a mob - closes in. Then the chant starts.
"Get off the fence! Get off the fence!" everyone yells.
"That was hard to watch," Michael says. He cheated on Stacey, so that's saying something.
"That's so brutal," Stacey eyerolls at Jonethen. She was cheated on by Michael, so that's saying something.
Next up, Lizzie and Seb. Dr Trisha makes the mistake of asking them about sex and then immediately regrets it.
We swiftly call up the next couple. Drew dobs on KC for throwing out his toys and then KC dobs on Drew for saying he didn't want their baby getting a boob job.
"He keeps saying, 'When I entered the experiment, I told the experts what isn't my type - and that's a materialistic, superficial, Instagram girl'," she sobs.
KC's upset because "superficial, materialistic Instagram girl" is her official job title on LinkedIn.
The show's unofficial fourth expert Lizzie jumps in to mediate.
"What's your definition of superficial?" she quizzes Drew. Sit down Lizzie! Who do you think you are? Dr Hayley?
"Her idea of a relationship is being a kept woman," Drew explains. But the real thing that turned him off? KC reckons a man should always pay for dinner while he thinks they should split the bill. Ugh, heterosexuals are so exhausting.
"I don't care about status and fame. I don't care about money," Drew asserts.
It's like a punch to the gut for his wife. KC can't believe Drew would just openly criticise her holy trinity - status, fame and money. It's blasphemy!
As someone who prays to the same higher power, I'm offended. This show oversteps a lot of lines, but this is the final straw. We don't even hang around to watch Cathy and Josh quit.
We call the elderly Serbian man who picks us up in his Ferrari and takes us to David Jones so we can worship and be at one with our spirit.
"In the name of status, fame and money," we whisper reverently while making the sign of the cross as we descend into the cosmetics section.