Husband freaks out over 'threesome'
AFTER sharing her sex secrets, a Married At First Sight wife has been ambushed and publicly kink shamed by her adult virgin husband while simply trying to enjoy a cheese board.
No one should ever be kink shamed, especially over soft cheeses. The only thing that makes it worse is she's shamed in front of that really boring couple. It's humiliating.
There were two roads Matthew could have taken after losing his virginity to wife Lauren last week. He could've gone wild and become the resident sexpert of the group - arrogantly interrupting all conversations to talk about different crazy positions he has since invented like the Alabama Keyhole (I've long said that if I ever invent a sex position or release a folk album they will both be called Alabama Keyhole).
He instead went down the other road. The one that sees him shut down completely and never have sex again. He has tried it once, that's enough. Like skydiving or watching Ben Stiller in serious roles, there are some things you don't need to try again.
Matthew isn't really interested in exploring sex further but Lauren's sexual side runs wild and deep. Tonight, she reveals it. And that's when Matthew goes from "former adult virgin" to "judgy former adult virgin".
Lauren's freaky side is definitely more interesting than the whole Sam and Ines cheating scandal. It's unfolding way too slowly and, compared to everything else that's already happened this series, a couple of flirty DMs is a total snooze.
Speaking of snoozes: Mark and Ning. At first we thought there was potential here. And by that, I mean we thought she'd keep doing things like rejecting him mid-kiss and kicking pool water in his face.
Now they're just having stupid arguments at the gym - where he asks her to do a box jump and she cries hysterically and claims he's degrading her. It's basically me and my PT every morning and I don't need to watch that on television.
Meanwhile, Lizzie decides to impress Sam with her snack assembling skills. Assembling a platter of junk food for a man is a vulnerable and exciting step. You're putting your secret food habits out on the table, literally, and hoping he won't judge you or think you're gross.
I made the brave step of assembling a dipping platter for my ex consisting of Nutella, peanut butter and a block of Cadbury Dairy Milk conveniently snapped into dipping sticks. When he saw it, he laughed and thought I was joking and so I had to laugh and say of course I was joking. But I wasn't joking. I don't joke when it comes to snacks. And I immediately went on a dipping binge after he left.
"This is just something I like to do on a rainy day," Lizzie tells us while assembling a dozen Woolworths muffins on a plate and plonking a commercial-grade tub of Nutella next to them.
Speaking of Sam, he has just washed his hair and it's doing the annoying thing where it goes all fluffy.
Anyway, back to Lizzie's Woolworths muffins. She really tries her best to flirt with Sam while eating the snacks and she totally pulls it off.
Down the hall, things are also getting racy between Mick and Jessika. She asks him to light some candles in the bathroom.
Upstairs, Matthew is still coming to terms with Lauren's revelation from last night.
"Lauren said she used to be a lesbian. That's in the past. I don't live in the past. I don't hold anyone's past against them. As far as I know she's not a lesbian now," he stumbles.
This reaction is just one more thing that bugs Lauren. She just wants some good sex and Matthew isn't delivering. All he wants to do is blink too much and read vivaciously.
"I want crazy, passionate lovemaking," she tells us.
She sits him down. There's more she wants and there's more he needs to know.
"I'm just a bit concerned. I don't know how to say it. I think because of your inexperience and my experience, there's certain things I need in a relationship that I feel you might be overwhelmed to do," she says. And then she spits it out. "I need someone to be dominant."
Matthew stares before taking a long, hard blink.
"Yeah, but … What does that … what does that look like? I don't actually know what that means," he says.
Oh Matthew. Just be the #DomMascTop you were born to be.
Lauren decides she's got to stop beating around the bush if she ever wants Matthew beating around hers.
"I need you to take control," she spits out.
But Matthew is still stuck.
"Loz uses the term dominant and I'm still not 100 per cent sure what that means," he tells us, before putting his foot down. "Is that someone aggressive, angry, abusive? If that's what dominant is, I don't want any part of it."
Ironically, his refusal to be dominant is rather dominant.
Lauren has had enough and becomes that random drunk girl at da club who befriends you and starts sharing TMI.
"I want him to rip my clothes off. I just want the passion," she growls.
She tells Matthew there's more to her and she doesn't know if he can handle it.
"How would you feel if I was into swinging? Threesomes?" she says. "I just want to unleash the beast."
Matthew actually dies.
Matthew runs outside to confide in us.
"A few days ago I was still a virgin. Now she's talking about threesomes, swinging, being dominant. Loz's sexual appetite might be too much for me," he shivers.
Meanwhile, Sam and Ines are kind of cheating but also not really because producers are really dragging out this storyline so much that it has lost impact.
They're still DMing on Instagram and then Sam comes down to Ines' apartment and they flirt on the couch while touching each other's hands and knees. Boring.
"You're a snack," Ines hisses at him.
"Mmmm a delicious snack I hope," Sam chortles back.
Hey, guys, you know who has good snacks? Lizzie. And she's waiting upstairs with another platter of Woolworths muffins and an assortment of other family-pack candies, so stop this right now.
Back down the hall, that boring couple - Cam and Jules, I think their names are - have swung by Matthew and Lauren's to chill out over a cheese platter.
It's meant to be a casual afternoon where they sip wine, eat some brie and fill the awkward lapses in conversation with statements like: "How good's Maggie Beer Quince Paste?"
But Matthew's shell-shocked. He feels bombarded with sexual confessions. Until now, he has avoided the racy side of life, thanks to his mum Rhonda activating a child-lock on his internet browser.
Suddenly, he just decides to throw Lauren under the bus and reveal all her personal info to two randoms.
"I asked Loz what's something about you that would shock someone if they found out …" he tells Cam and Jules before turning to Lauren. " … And, would you like to tell the answer?"
Lauren rolls her eyes and proudly tells the boring couple: "I told Matt I used to be a lesbian. And I used to see girls."
Matthew's shocked by Cam and Jules' lack of shock.
"The conversation did steer towards sexual appetites. And sex chat. It was still a little uncomfortable for me," Matt whines to us, even though he's the one who brought up Lauren's private life.
After lamenting the sex chat, Matthew then proceeds to publicly reveal his wife's kinks.
"I think it might have opened a bit of a flood gate because Loz was talking about her sexual appetite and things she wants and I'm not gonna lie, I got a bit overwhelmed," Matthew says. "(She said) a couple of things, like, mentioning threesomes and open marriages."
"You got that wrong!" Lauren says. "I didn't say open marriages. I meant to say …"
"Oh, 'swinging' I think is the term you used," Matthew says.
The task of unpacking Matthew is exhausting. Firstly, he lost his virginity at the age of 29 on a TV show with a woman he knew for three days and yet he feels he can be judgy about someone being keen on a threesome? Boy, please. Also, his childish reaction to his partner wanting more than just missionary sex that one time is just disrespectful. Don't go blabbing about what your partner likes in bed over a cheese board and shaming them for it when all they're trying to do is enjoy the Maggie Beer Quince Paste.
No one deserves to be kink shamed - especially in front of that boring couple.
Matthew could actually use a few kinks. And when I finally invent the Alabama Keyhole, I want him to be the first one to try it.
For more observations on Maggie Beer Quince Paste and the dual release of my sex position/folk album Alabama Keyhole, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir