Candid footage of MAFS cheaters’ X-rated romp
In a final slap to the face, Married At First Sight's cheaters have taken things a step further by stripping down and consummating their affair in a dirty hotel room in front of TV cameras just moments after enjoying artfully rolled deli meats.
"Enjoying artfully rolled deli meats" is both a euphemism and a literal description.
Dan and Jessika bash more than veneers on Monday night and we're forced to witness it all in rough and ready night vision footage. Literally no one asked for this.
The show should actually be over now, but we're being forced to sit through a heap of extra episodes that really serve no purpose. Tonight is seriously just a couple of scraps stitched together. It would've been great to finish this crud-fest with a bang while we were all still excited and happy to be here. Instead, the bandwagon is chugging towards a distant finish line and dragging our bodies along the dirt road behind it.
Spurred on by Jessika and Dan's affair, everyone decides to swap partners tonight just for kicks. This task could be a really helpful exercise in personal development and allow each contestant to get some outside perspective on their relationship. But that isn't traumatising enough so producers step in to troll the exercise by pairing Mike with Jessika in the hope the pair savage each other at a random pub in Manly.
They hate each other and we don't like either of them so it's a punish for all involved.
"He's insulted my liiiiiips!" Jessika splatters as she's shoved into the beer garden to face her nemesis.
It's basically a rehash of their dinner party fight from last week and Mike spits a bunch of obnoxious observations but he's wasting his breath because Jessika has one message.
"Whatever lesson he thinks I've supposedly learned - I haven't," she proudly splats, while misusing air quotes - obviously a callous dig at Tamara. It's a low blow.
All of a sudden, we cut to a bunch of random dates on boats in Sydney Harbour. Honestly, we didn't sign up for this kind of Bachelor rubbish.
We check in on Mark and Ning and producers have taken them into the woods to have sex in a tree. Still, it's not enough to make us care.
Mark and Ning are being weird. At first she hated him and all he wanted to do was have sex. Now, Ning is finally up for it, and Mark doesn't want to have sex.
So here they are in a treehouse in the Blue Mountains and everyone's naked. Candlelight flickers. Ning propositions Mark about seven times and he ignores the request, instead preferring to scoff cheesecake while sitting in a hot tub. Honestly, I'd rather have hot tub cheesecake than sex as well.
Out on Sydney Harbour, Dan and Jessika continue to flaunt their new relationship. And in a brutal dig at Mick, Dan presents a cheese platter. But it's not just any cheese platter. It's a perfect cheese platter. A stylishly arranged cheese platter, complete with artfully rolled deli meats. This cheese platter is so beautiful it mocks the one Mick assembled for Jessika by the pool of that cheap Gold Coast hotel a few weeks ago.
As they scoop blue cheese into their face holes, they laugh about Mick's cheese platter and Tamara's wine straw.
"Everything about you is a turn on for me," Dan growls. "Not in a creepy kinda way but …"
"Aw you can have it in a creepy kinda way, babe!" Jessika splatters.
"I love ya kinkiness!" Dan grunts.
Suddenly, we get queasy. It could be the artfully rolled deli meats but we're pretty sure it's the thought of Jessika's kinkiness. We unfasten our life jackets and get ready to throw ourselves overboard just as the boat cruises past the giant clown head at Luna Park.
Things are getting hot and heavy and they hatch a plan to go somewhere more private - where they can really enjoy their artfully rolled deli meats.
"Dan has just pulled out all the stops. Where did this guy come from? I don't think I've ever had a man ever do anything like this for me," Jessika spluts as she waits for Dan to collect the room key in the foyer of this dingy motel.
Oh Jessika. So easily wooed by shiny veneers and artfully rolled deli meats.
High on lust and expired cheese, they tumble into the motel room. Everything's a blur. They don't ever bother clicking the plastic rectangular key ring into that socket on the wall that turns the electricity on. The room remains dark and warm and stuffy. There's only one thing on their mind.
In the shadows, they strip down. Jessika reclines seductively on the faded bedspread and we shudder at the thought of our own bare flesh touching a random motel blanket.
"Definitely getting intimate tonight," Dan grunts as he climbs on top of Jessika and we pray we suddenly drop dead from the contaminated yet artfully rolled deli meats.
At some point, we black out.
When we finally regain consciousness, the harsh sunlight from the outside world cuts through the edges of the worn-out motel curtains. No one knows we're here. We'd prefer to keep it that way. We don't know what exactly we were exposed to last night, we just know it wasn't good.
The smell of sweaty sheets and ignorance clouds the room. The bathroom door slides open and a man's shadow appears in the doorway. Steam billows out behind him and we shield our face with our forearm in terror.
"You could say it was more makin' love than havin' sex," Dan grunts as he hands us a lukewarm cup of instant coffee.
"Ugh," we quiver as we prop our body up on the floor and huddle against the bar fridge.
Just like that, the deli meats are no longer artfully rolled.
For more observations on artfully rolled deli meats and motel rooms, follow me on Twitter and Facebook: @hellojamesweir