Love in the time of COVID-19
Dear Agony Uncle Tim,
I have been single for a while and recently met someone with whom I have a strong connection. We had been on a few dates before this terrible global pandemic came along and ruined everything. Our parents, the Premier, my priest, the Prime Minister and some lady I met outside Coles are all telling us we need to keep our social distance. I really like this person, but I don't want to be responsible for the destruction of the human race, what should I do?
Yours in health, Confused Single,
Dear Confused Single,
Gee whiz, what a quandary. Luckily for you though, I am in the process of writing my first book, Love in the Time of Covid-19.
It's a cautionary tale about the pitfalls of passion and promiscuity in the heart of Maclean, circa March 2020 and through my research I have come to understand how to navigate sexual relationships during a pandemic.
I know there are already tens of thousands of young singles out there, freaking out about how long they will have to wait before they can grind up against a stranger to the sounds of Fatman Scoop again.
Obviously, the key to getting back out there and grinding up against Mr or Mrs right, is by ending the pandemic.
So to decrease the wait, I suggest you spread your efforts equally between finding a cure and policing and/or preaching about social distancing.
I have no doubt by harnessing the special energy created by unrequited love during an endless lockdown, we will find the cure in no time. And keep in mind some of the most important medical advancements were found by accident, think penicillin, coronary angiograms or LSD.
So once your delivery of microscopes and petri dishes arrives you should be well on your way.
You will also need a coronavirus sample subject. My suggestion is to head to the nearest port or train station and offer a lift to someone who has just hopped off a cruise ship.
And after a busy morning of experimentation, it is off to berate strangers about keeping their social distance.
This is an important fallback in case your search for a cure takes longer than expected.
You need to be making it clear to anyone flouting the 1.5m rule that by shaking hands, queuing too close together in Centrelink or licking the same steak they are making true love wait (longer).
Of course, don't be afraid to call Crime Stoppers either. As lockdowns get more intense it will be on the public to notify the police if people are flouting curfew and heading to clandestine bridge club meetings. If you see something say something.
But taking this course of action is inherently risky. What if the pandemic continues into 2022 or into 2030?
If you are getting that vibe, the best thing to do is to move in together. Right now.
Nothing says love like inviting someone you have just met to spend an open-ended lockdown with you in your home/mum's house/underground bunker.
Because in this pandemic different rules apply to those in committed relationships.
Come on, we all know Mum and Dad - two shandies deep - aren't keeping their social distance after the 7.30 Report finishes on a Friday night.
If you have a question for Agony Uncle Tim, please send an email to firstname.lastname@example.org