Sophie’s shock move rocks Bach
SOPHIE Monk has broken rose ceremony protocol on The Bachelorette with a move that has sent shockwaves through the mansion.
"Could you please leave the rose ceremony room?" a stony-faced Sophie says as she holds the final rose during Thursday night's episode.
Unrest is immediate among the contestants.
"What the f*ck is happening?" one quivers.
It's a move we've never witnessed on the series, and one we absolutely appreciate.
The dramatic end is a stark contrast to how the episode begins - with Apollo rolling around on the grass playing with puppies.
And this is the exact face we make while watching the delightfulness unfold.
Sophie then organises for them to do couples doga. That's dog yoga, fools. And the session involves this highly qualified doga instructor who spritzes "love spray" around and I would like to know what online course I need to do to have this job.
It all seems ridiculous. But Sophie knows what's good. This is all a complex plan to see Apollo bend over while holding a puppy. And the results are flawless. To be honest, all this date does is confirm to me that I would please like to do it dogastyle with Apollo thank you.
Afterwards, Apollo just starts confessing random stuff and he reveals perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.
"My best friend's a girl and we used to go hunting for fairies," he confides in Sophie.
If he made this confession while squatting and holding the puppy I don't even know how my body would have reacted.
Anyway, the following day we wake up and find ourselves at sea on a boat. The boys have been split into teams and apparently they're racing yachts.
It's basically just 10 minutes of watching Jarrod scream "Tack! Tack! Tack!" while his face gets pinker and pinker as he darts from port to starboard.
Out of control, the yachts get a mind of their own and start powering through the harbour at high speed into each other and everyone starts screaming and they almost crash and capsize.
The whole situation is exactly like that scene in Clueless where Cher and Dionne and Murray are in the red BMW on the highway and they almost get run over by a truck only this is in water and no one is wearing a fun crochet doily hat.
Sophie's having to use this episode to get a lot of crap done she doesn't want to do. She gives Blake some private time just because he hasn't scored a date on the show yet and producers have told her she has to.
And now she's being made to uphold the contractually-obligated second date with Sam as part of the "double delight" rose he was given in episode one.
She arrives in a "Lummer" and says she chose it just for Sam. Because you know what they say about men with big cars? They have terrible weaves.
Sophie has a test. She suspects Sam - a voice-over artist - wants to be a star and is only here to progress his fledgling entertainment career. So she wants to catch him out.
"Would you ever want to be an actor?" she asks him breezily. He takes it as a compliment and basically says he's super talented and everyone thinks so, but he just chooses not to do much.
He then starts giving her career advice. And it's about as uncalled for as Sam giving her hair extension tips.
"I think you need to get back onto your music," he advises before claiming he's co-written many hits in his home studio.
In the back of this classy and understated Lummer, it's all Sophie needs to hear.
Later that night, when she arrives at the rose ceremony, her theatrical black dress acts as a prompt for the drama that's about to unfold.
The first few boys receive their roses and it appears to go to plan. But with AJ, Sam and Blake left standing in front of her, Sophie does something unexpected.
She pauses. Looking down at the floor, she rubs her hands together and breathes in.
"Apollo, Stu, Jarrod and James. Could you please leave the rose ceremony room," she declares. It's not a request but a demand.
The boys begin to spiral.
"What the f*ck is going on?" someone exclaims.
"F*ck," says Blake.
"F*ck," Sam adds, offering a brand new perspective.
Left alone with the remaining three boys, Sophie is in control.
"Sorry AJ, this rose isn't for you," she says to the bald intruder whose voice none of us have ever heard before.
As AJ shuffles out of the hall, Sophie stares down Blake and Sam. She slowly walks across the hall towards them, like a spider tormenting the bugs stuck in her web.
Stopping inches away from Sam's face, she looks him in the eye.
"Do I know the real you, Sam" she asks softly, rubbing her palms together.
"Yeah, yeah you do," he nods, nervously.
Sophie then turns on her heels towards Blake. She says he's played it cool for far too long.
"All I wanna do is take care of you," he whimpers, almost crying.
Sophie's satisfied. She walks back.
Neither of these boys are winners, but Blake won't clog the drain with his hair or make Sophie record any of the annoying song demos he's written. So Blake gets the rose.
Shown the door, Sam is walked out to a waiting lummer, which promptly whisks him away to a Just Cuts.
For more observations on lummers and dogastyle, follow me on Twitter: @hellojamesweir