What to do with yourself in quarantine

In developments that nobody saw coming in their New Year horoscope, 2020 is the year a virus outbreak is claiming thousands of lives and destroying global industry.

Thousands in Australia are in self isolation, having nothing but Netflix and an Uno deck to stave them off insanity.

Here are some top tips to get you through a fortnight of quarantine.

 

SUPERCOACH

Around the nation there are a number of single men in their late twenties who are about to go into self isolation whether they're worried about the virus or not.

This sort of person lists their occupation as 'SuperCoach' on the census.

While the world scrambles to find a coronavirus vaccine, those dedicated to staying indoors and trawling countless statistics of minor players for a slim competitive advantage already know the best preventive measure: misanthropy.

Develop a healthy SuperCoach addiction and watch the hours melt away like a marshmallow in battery acid.

 

TWEET

Anti-smoking advertisements show a healthy lung compared to the blackened husk of someone who has spent a long time smoking.

A similar comparison might be made between a healthy person's soul and that of a long-term Twitter user.

Isolation is a handy time to jump online and discover a whole world of people who hate you, and will fight you for two weeks non stop.

Be aware that your insurance company might not pay out for stress-related health episodes if they know you've been using the angriest social media platform yet devised.

 

Put Trump and the white/gold/black/blue dress at the top of your list of subjects worth fighting over.
Put Trump and the white/gold/black/blue dress at the top of your list of subjects worth fighting over.

ARGUE

Being confined with other people in a single-storey suburban home is the sort of thing that gets violent after three days.

Release the tension by reviving old divisions such as whether or not you like Trump, that dress that was blue and black, the merits of Brexit or whether or not Waleed Aly is a good broadcaster.

It will spark arguments that will still be smouldering long after the two-week quarantine period is over.

If you don't get the virus, you might still get a divorce.

 

COOK

In the early 2000s, chef Aristos Papandroulakis was involved in a different kind of supermarket confrontation.

He would approach strangers and offer to cook a meal with whatever they had in their trolley and cupboard.

Quarantine is the perfect time to get creative with cooking.

What can you make with a tin of tuna and a tube of condensed milk?

Channel your inner Aristos and go on a culinary adventure in your depleted pantry to delight and horrify your family.

 

ENJOY HOME SHOPPING

When facsimile was revolutionising business and credit card transactions involved carbon paper, the only way to make impulsive purchases was via phone after seeing dodgy infomercials.

Some still exist in 2020 and you can delight in buying all kinds of garbage like a handheld sewing machine or glue that holds bricks together.

You might be stuck in a living hell akin to prison.

But your windows will be so clean they'll practically disappear.

If for any reason you aren't completely satisfied, return the purchase within 30 days for a full refund of the product price, less delivery.

Two weeks may not be long enough to sort out your NBN.
Two weeks may not be long enough to sort out your NBN.

 

SORT YOUR NBN

Jump on the phone to Telstra now and there'll be a fully trialled and approved vaccine for coronavirus by the time your problems are attended to.

Whether you want a clear cut answer about the NBN in your area or just want to scream about constant service disruptions, the virus will have reached the cold moons of Jupiter before you stumble across someone who'll actually help you.

 

CATCH THE VIRUS

A nifty and under-utilised way of escaping quarantine early is to do your best to catch the virus by inviting people over who have just got back from Iran or Italy.

Symptoms can appear in five days, after which the virus might cause severe fever and even death.

But if you do get through it, you might make a recovery before the two weeks is up, meaning a net gain of a couple of days.

If you're having trouble catching it, try standing in the queue at the testing clinic.

 


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